Six of the seven playable characters that have been revealed for this year’s Hyrule Warriors have been female. Now, I’m not the kind of guy who has a problem with strong female heroes; hell, my neighbor and I used to have sleepovers where we would pretend he was married to Sailor Moon and I was married to Sailor Mars hell, I watched Sailor Moon pretty regularly as a kid.
But in case Nintendo wants to make the ratio of guy-to-gal a little more equal, rather than current 6:1 situation that is every high school boy’s fantasy when he walks into a house party, I whipped together a list of male characters to help balance the scale of the sexes. Without further ado, here are eleven good guys we would like to see in Hyrule Warriors.
#1: Darunia
It feels selfish to put Darunia in the first spot on this list, but rest assured that he’s here for more reasons than the fact that he’s one of my favorite characters ever and that my old gamertag was Darunia77. If that name looks familiar, sorry for chainsawing you to death on Gears of Wars 2—holding the B button down while running around willy-nilly was my one move.
Anyways, Darunia makes sense for a number of reasons. Ocarina of Time is indisputably one of the best games of the series; it would make sure that Gorons are represented; he has a logical weapon choice with either the Megaton Hammer or the Biggoron Sword; and Darunia is built like a professional wrestler.
Who couldn’t imagine him entering dramatically as the screen goes to black, a lone spotlight landing on him as pyrotechnics explode and a hard rock version of Bolero of Fire plays in the background? He’d be like a fiery version of The Undertaker with a better body.
#2: Skull Kid
Skull Kid would be particularly awesome since it would confirm the inclusion of two of the coolest aesthetic bits of the series: Majora’s Mask itself, and the Moon that looks like the Cheshire Cat exposed to nuclear waste.
The Skull Kid has so much potential both fight-wise and story-wise that he almost makes too much sense for this game. That’s exactly why I’m choosing not to get my hopes up and ending this right here. I’m not ready for that kind of disappointment.
#3: Ganondorf
This one would bring upon a similar level of heartbreak if he’s not included, but I’m going to dare to dream anyway. The possibilities with Ganondorf are endless considering all of the source material that developers would have to work with; the only real question is what form of Ganondorf should be used.
I’ve seen a lot of fans hoping to see his Demise form included, which I wouldn’t necessarily mind because he truly does look so alpha that way, but I didn’t care so much for Skyward Sword so count me as an Ocarina of Time-era Ganondorf supporter, with a hope for his giant pig transformation included as some type of power-up.
But at the end of the day, they could include him as his 8-bit version for all I care. All that matters in the end is that Ganon makes the cut.
#4: Tingle
I can’t shake the feeling that Tingle would be like the cocky anti-hero in a goofy comedy. Which would mean that he makes a sly remark, throws a dud smoke bomb, looks around as a cartoonishly large question mark pops up above his head, and is shredded to ribbons by those juiced up cows with scimitars in Wind Waker. I’m confident that this would never get old if done with the appropriate gory graphics and cinematography, so for that reason alone Tingle makes this list.
He also fills the role of the token character that your friend-who-doesn’t-really-play-or-pretend-to-enjoy-video-games chooses with a roll of the eyes to attempt to be funny. Hey guys look at my character and how small and quirky he is haha right? Basically, Tingle can be the Toad of Mario Kart or the Muggsy Bogues of NBA Hangtime.
#5: Rauru
I’d love for all seven of the sages to be involved, but for the purpose of this list I’ll have to stick with advocating for the lone two men sitting on that council.
There seems to be a smattering of hope for Old Man from the original game, and while that would be cool from a total geekdom standpoint, there’s only room for one AARP member on this list and I think Rauru has more potential given what we know about the two of them. Plus this opens up the potential for some more Kaepora Gaebora.
DID YOU NOT OR WANT TO NOT UNHEAR WHAT I DIDN’T JUST SAY TO YOU?
>Yes
>No
#6: Toon Link
This one was a tough choice between Toon Link, Fierce Diety Link, and Hero’s Shade. All of them would be strong choices, but even having two iterations of Link in the game feels like pushing it, so Toon Link wins out based on unique graphic style and familiarity.
Then again, Hero’s Shade is unique enough where it might still work, and Fierce Diety Link could easily be a power-up for Link, so maybe all four could make the cut. Six female characters and four versions of Link? There are worse things in the world.
#7: Mikau
Like the Gorons, almost all fans feel that the Zora race should be incorporated. Unlike the Gorons, there are like three choices here, and one is yet another version of Link. Not that Mikau wasn’t a cool character, but he seems pretty small-time even by this list’s standards.
Still, I’m basically forced to have to pick between him and King Zora, and that guy could barely scoot over when it meant freeing up a path to go save his daughter from a giant whale's GI tract. Not sure that it’d be much fun to watch him sloth around Hyrule’s fields like at the speed of an Ent.
#8: Mido
I’m guessing a big reason that the ratio is currently 6:1 is that there really is a shortage of good male characters in this series, which is why I’m resorting to having to pick this cat. If I were to make a list of weird androgynous pseudo animals I would have no problem, but male characters makes for a tall task.
I’d be lying if I said I don’t actually sort of hope for Mido’s inclusion, though. I’m big on redemption stories, and I always felt regret for the way Mido and I left things when I would leave Kokiri Forest and disappear for seven years. Then he takes it upon himself to guard the Sacred Forest Meadow after things get real. That’s the kind of guy I want standing next to me on the battlefield; that’s Mido.
Also, I wanted to pick Saria badly but couldn’t justify adding her to this list no matter how hard I tried, and Mido is like her with an alternate costume.
#9: The Deku King
My last sad attempt at trying to shoehorn one of the major races into a playable character. Just let me have this one. Please.
#10: Groose
I might be wrong in feeling this way, but something tells me this is the most realistic pick of the list outside of Ganondorf. Groose is from the recent title, has a nice redemption arc plus a good fighter’s look, and he would appeal to the crowd who grew up playing Skyward Sword rather than us old fogeys who grew up with Ocarina of Time or Majora’s Mask.
He’s personally the least appealing to me, but whatever, this game looks awesome. Even if the game ends up being Water Temple after Water Temple after Water Temple, I’ll still be playing it. It’ll take more than the Groose getting loose to stop me.
#11: Dampé
I really wanted to throw a Poe onto the list somewhere, but in the midst of those considerations I ended up talking myself into this being a great idea. I certainly won’t be holding my breath on this one, but I’m also the kind of guy who still holds out a tiny bit of hope that Geno will still be adding to Super Smash Bros. someday, so by that standard this isn't one of my worst hopes.
And if he dies, no sweat, he’s been there before. Just look at him! He likes it!
Published: Jul 17, 2014 09:33 pm