7 Essentials for Every Gamer

“’Cause, you know, we’re athletes now.”

As a community, we gamers are a fractured and conflicting group of folk. You’ll run into troubles every which way trying to figure out how to define us. Who counts? What counts? Are you hardcore enough?

Well far be it from me to walk the elitist approach. (After all, as a member of the PC master race, I belong in that exalted upper echelon already, don’t I?) Here I outline the seven great necessities that gamers of (almost) all kinds cannot do without, in no particular order of importance.

1. An applicable nerdcave

We are sedentary creatures, we gamers. From PC to console to table-top, our activities rarely require us to leave whatever room we settle ourselves in. The most active of us flail madly at an animated tennis ball with a WiiMote or break the sound barrier with our feet pounding away the steps to “Pluto Relinquish” on Heavy… but we rarely are required to leave the room because of this activity if a bowl of chips, a sixer, or the call of nature is not directly involved.

As such, these rooms are of the first order of importance. They have to speak to us. They are not merely the functional, they are the safe havens of our cultures. We may require different things depending on what kind of gamer we are (a comfy desk chair, a big enough kitchen table, thick blinds, etc.) but we all need one.

The exception to this rule are handheld gamers and smartphone gamers. Duh. But who knows, with the NVIDIA SHIELD still trying to establish itself as a “real live platform, guys!” and the Oculus Rift making waves, the necessity of the nerdcave may diminish in time.

2. Sustenance

We are the legions of the hardcore. We like games. We play games. A lot.

This means we must approach the practice with intentions of complete immersion and self-sufficiency. Raid night’s gonna include a newbie, unfamiliar with our guild’s long-established Ways. This may be a long one. Provision yourself accordingly, whether in the form of an actual stockpile of pizza boxes or a loving wife/husband/mother/child/menial/robot slave race.

Mountain Dew and pizza (and more of the like) are our gift from the consumer gods. Always keep these life-bringing, life-sustaining articles near at hand. But not too close. Deep desecration is for those who accidentally knock over their cups onto their keyboards. You can’t keep pumping out the heals with sticky keys. And you don’t want to know what doom will befall you if you drop a pitcher in the middle of a high-octane old school paper-and-pencil game.

The exception is once again for handheld gamers and smartphone gamers. The sustenance doesn’t need to come to you, you can bring your bubble of gaming to them.

3. Situational Awareness

You may not realize this beforehand, but this is important. The gaming room is the epicenter of your gaming activity and of the utmost importance, but don’t allow yourself to forget that it is not the whole world. Know your surroundings. Know thyself. Know your exits.

Lose yourself in the otherworld that gaming offers you, but always know that reality is outside of you and that screen. Know your limits.

You’re gonna have to take a leak sooner or later.

Don’t be that guy.

4. Sanity

A friend and fellow gamer suggested “maturity” but… you know us. Yeah. That’s a little much to ask, isn’t it? Where would our lively traditions of telling each other to go teabag a bear trap and our much-rehearsed crotch-grabbing victory dances go?

No. This… this is more so as a public appeal to the community. Please don’t be crazy. We as a whole may be short a few crayons in the box, but please don’t be the guy who beats your mother’s head in with a giant purple dildo or shoots her 20 times in the chest after trying to rape her because she took away your Call of Duty. We get enough bad press as is.

Please don’t be crazy.

5. Internet

Our great and constant companion, our best and most trusted connection with the outside world is this great and nebulous network of data that links us all together. None of us are immune.

Some of you think that you are. You are wrong.

Sooner or later, you console gamers will turn to the internet to brag to all and sundry that you remain the top of the charts, the pwner of the pwned… and you table-top gamers will turn to Siri to be your Dungeon Master.

6. Proper communication equipment

A headset, say. This is not applicable in all cases. At the table-top, I suppose the equivalent is a good speaking voice. But in all other cases, please. For some of us, typing is enough. But typing takes time and barking orders into a mic while doing things remains the most efficient way to go. We understand this. We have evolved to accept this form of communication.

But we have not yet all learned that sometimes deep-throating our mics may not always be the best way to get your important, time-sensitive and valuable information across.

Or that the echoes of our teammates important, time-sensitive, and valuable information may be lost in the screeching banshee echoes of our open mic and speaker setup.

Every day, a new follower of the Way.

7. Be Prepared for Cases of Both Victorious Strength and Times of Unexpected Failure

A proper gamer is always prepared for all outcomes. Defeat is not an option… until it happens. The nerdrage comes upon us, and we cannot be held accountable for the things that we do. But we learn quickly, you see. We begin to adapt. We buy durable hardware that can endure being thrown into a wall and stomped on repeatedly. We procure heavier tables we can’t possibly flip over in a fit of rage. We remove small children from the nearby vicinity for fear that we might toss them around too… or at the very least say some choice seaman’s words in their hearing.

And yet, in the times of true VICTORY, we sometimes come up short. We have nothing to say. We have nothing to do. We have no idea how to commemorate this impossible, improbable, wonderful epoch in our lives.

A true gamer is prepared. Know your victory dance.

That is all.

With these seven essentials covered, you will know our ways. You will be one of us. You will be… truly, as weird and wacky as the rest of us.

Welcome to the fold!