"The mind of the artist will desperately struggle to create pornography where none exists..."
-R. Buttece, Barriers to 34th Dimensional Travel (1889)
That's rule 34. Everyone’s favorite rule of the Internet. If it exists, there is porn of it.
If you think there are exceptions to this rule, you simply aren’t looking hard enough. Or maybe you’re afraid to get your hands dirty.
Luckily for you, we’re pretty shameless. So we scoured the web and all those seedy porn game sites to uncover the weird (and wonderful) adult parodies of your favorite video games. You're welcome, perverts.
The title has probably made it obvious, but this article deals with NSFW and pornographic content. If you're underage or your boss is watching, please turn back while you still can. Once you click that next slide, we cannot guarantee that your childhood won't be destroyed.
Sextris
Also known by the less creative title Tetris X, this Tetris parody uses naked people instead of boring old blocks. Using your Gagboy game system, you've got to rotate these ladies and gents into various sexual positions. If all the right parts line up, they'll engage in a quickie before disappearing from the board. Oral positions are also acceptable, but same-sex matches won't work. Bummer.
There are also other Tetris parodies that will reward you with naked women each time you complete a level. But those aren't nearly as much fun.
Editors Note: Sextris is no longer available.
Busty Raider
As bodacious as Lara is in this Tomb Raider parody, we're still disappointed in the title. The lack of effort on that front is almost astounding. Seriously, even the real name sounds a little dirty. The jokes basically write themselves. (Womb Raider, anyone?)
You'll have to work a little to get to the good stuff. Lara needs to retrieve a diamond, and you'll have to keep her from hitting dangerous spikes on the way down. Every now and then, she'll have to remove some clothing to lighten the load. Once she's retrieved the diamond, Lara will need a bath and a change of clothes before you head back to camp. She asks you for help with getting clean. Good to see she's still the self-sufficient explorer we know and love.
If you want to get a little sadistic, there's also Tomb Raider: Punishment. Though the title is still pretty lacking in creativity, you do have the opportunity to torture a caricatured Lara before turning her over to a more beastly lover.
You can play Busty Raider here.
Ass Effect
This Mass Effect parody lets you get your intergalactic freak on. Commander Shepard has just discovered a kinky artifact of some sort, and decides to try it out on a busty Miranda Lawson.
Once you've used the artifact to laser off Miranda's pants, the real fun begins. We won't spoil the surprise, but we will say that the artifact has more than one purpose. And Liara asks to join in on the fun. But you'll have to buy the full game for that.
We'd warn you about the awkward dialogue and consistent misspelling of the word "artifact", but we know that isn't going to stop you.
The Ass Effect demo is available on Com Dot Game.
Porn Pong
This game is more silly than it is sexy. You've got to use your hard log of wood to propel a Quagmire-looking man in a banana hammock toward the rows of reclining damsels. When he makes contact, he gives each lady a few courtesy thrusts before removing her from the board.
Click here to play.
Final Fellatio X-2
An aptly-named Final Fantasy parody. This game opens with a very FF-like title screen, complete with rainbow silhouette and lilting piano music.
In an effort to make Yuna jealous, Rikku is spending some...er..."quality time" with Brother. You're not controlling much besides than the speed of this incestuous encounter, prompted to continue by the very eager (and very voluptuous) Rikku. Buddy and Shinra make an appearance for a grand finale, too.
If sibling action isn't really your thing, there are a ton of other Final Fantasy parody games that you can check out. Like Final Fantasy X: Wakka's Solo.
Click here to play Final Fellatio.
Metroid Strip
This shoot-to-strip Metroid Prime parody actually requires a little bit of skill. Samus Aran's suit has been turned against her, and she's bound in place by the grapple beam. You can fire a laser to shatter her armor.
The catch here is that metroids are trying to weaken your power beam. The more armor you remove, the more metroids you have to deal with. When you break off all that under armor, metroids will swarm around her, and you'll have to find a way to disperse them.
There's another Metroid Prime parody that's got a little bit of platformer action, and a lot of tentacles at the end. If you're into that sort of thing.
See more of Samus Aran here.
Mortal Kum Butt
In this Mortal Kombat parody, a bustier-than-usual Sonya Blade has just lost a fight against Kano. Though she begs for his fatality, he says he's got another finishing blow to deliver: "sexuality." This puntastic premise leads to a click-to-advance oral scene, with occasional begrudging commentary from Sonya.
If you're more of a Street Fighter fan, we've got you covered on that front, too. Street Fighter XXX lets you pick which femme fatale you'll be pounding.
Click here to play Mortal Kum Butt.
Bonecraft
From the makers of the widely-acclaimed Bonetown, this is no mere Warcraft smut game; it's a fully-realized RPG that has (gasp) more than just sex in it.
You're an interstellar captain whose life mission is to find and bone the Elf Queen, who you let slip through your fingers years before. In pursuit of this goal, you and your Space Wranglers crash-land your ship on an orc-inhabited planet that just happens to be harboring a brothel full of elves. So begins an adventure where fighting and f*cking mix like never before.
Aside from the full storyline and legitimate voice-acting, Bonecraft gives you quests that require you to engage in sexual acts with a variety of NPCs. And sometimes even your combat is sexually inclined - often your goal is to make sure that your Space Wranglers get laid, and the enemy Wranglers do not. But just in case you can't screw your way out of an encounter, you've got weapons at your disposal, too.
Click here to check out the official Bonecraft site and download the game.
P*ssymon
Much like Bonecraft, this Pokemon parody is a legitimate game, rather than a mere click-to-progress sex simulator. You must purchase P*ssyballs, which you can use to catch the untamed Pokegirls that wander au naturel in the wild - like the pretty Pidgey above.
Once you've caught one of these P*ssymon, you must use your energy reserves to care for it. After you've built up enough affection, you can take things to the next level.
You and your P*ssymon can explore the world, visit gyms, or get into battles (in later versions). There are even a few easter eggs hidden in the game world.
If you don't have time for a full-fledged P*ssymon game, there are plenty of other Pokemon parodies you can check out. In Pokemon Hypno Mercy, for example, Hypno and Lickitung gang up on an unsuspecting Misty. For those who prefer less obvious bestiality, there's Pokemon Double Trouble, where a transgendered trainer transforms her Ditto into a copy of herself to teach one Pokemon trainer a lesson.
Click here to start a new adventure in P*ssymon.
Honorable Mentions
These games didn't quite make our top 10 list, but they did stand out from the salacious crowd.
- Help a recently-turned-female Sonic explore her new body.
- A click-to-progress encounter between Link and Ruto that needs no introduction.
Metal Gear Solid X: Hard Snake
- Get up close and personal with Big Boss'...big boss.
Resident Evil: Chris' Capture
- Essentially Metal Gear Solid X with a different character.
- Strip your favorite dhampir of her clothing and fire off your own Blood Hammer.
- Get your favorite Mario characters into all kinds of sexy shenanigans.
Biocock Intimate
A shockingly well-done BioShock parody. And proof that asking the Internet to stop making porn of a character will make the Internet do the exact opposite.
This game doesn't feature the crude hand-drawn flash figures we're used to seeing in porn parodies. Elizabeth looks like she just stepped out of a Telltale interpretation of BioShock Infinite. To top off the polished graphics, there’s even full voice acting – and pretty good voice acting; most of it seems ripped from the real game itself.
When the game opens, you’ve just regained consciousness. And Elizabeth is eager to get your gear into her pants. Biocock Intimate is a little less interactive than some of the other games on our list; pretty much all you do is advance through various positions until both of you are spent. But the quality more than makes up for the simplicity, and you’ll get a hilarious surprise when Elizabeth finally climaxes.
This one is definitely worth playing through at least once, even if it’s just for the lolz. But you can unlock multiple versions of Elizabeth, so there's replay value, too. Check out the demo here.
We can't guarantee that all the games on this list are good, but we can guarantee that they're entertaining. You may need a little eye bleach afterwards, though. We've seen things that cannot be unseen.
Have you played any of these games? Are you going to? Share your thoughts (or titillating tales) with us in the comments below!
Published: Oct 11, 2015 05:12 pm