After taking a look at some of the most inspiring and unexpectedly thought-provoking quotes across gaming, we'd be remiss if we didn't head the opposite direction. There's plenty of major downers in any given storyline to offset those uplifting moments.
Should it be any surprise that there's some truly cringe-worthy text and hilariously offensive quotes to be found in the zany, outlandish world of gaming? What's interesting is that in quite a few cases, the least inspiring quotes and the most inspiring quotes actually come from the same games.
After trudging through a deluge of horrifying (and OK, frequently quite amusing) lines of dialog, we've found all the best of the worst on display in the following slides. Have fun in the filth, and don't forget to fill out the poll at the end to let us know your favorite!
“You know what? Your face looks like my butt.”
-- The Vault Dweller, Fallout 3
There are a horde of hilarious dialog options to be found in the Fallout series if you try all the different perks and varying stat builds (give either Fallout 3 or Fallout New Vegas a try with no points in intelligence and see what happens). This one, only available with the Child At Heart perk, fell a little flat.
“Some trees flourish, others die. Some cattle grow strong, others are taken by wolves. Some men are born rich enough and dumb enough to enjoy their lives. Ain't nothing fair”
-- John Marston, Red Dead Redemption
Talk about a downer! It's like all those "you are in control of your own destiny" quotes from our most-inspiring article, but taken down the bleakest path possible. Maybe John's a nihilist... or just a realist.
“Real bad asses eat chocolate chip cookies. Wait a minute... those aren't chocolate chip cookies... those...are...RAISINS. Why do bad things happen to good people?”
“BURN ALL THE BABIES!”
“That's right. Twin sisters, man. Hhhahhhhhh. Take 'em. Take 'em take 'em take 'em take 'em”
-- Tiny Tina, Borderlands 2
Tina Tina accomplishes the impossible – she is both more psychotic and more entertaining to listen to than Vaas from Far Cry 3. She also makes me genuinely terrified of 13 year old girls. She alternates between disturbing sexuality towards stuffed animals and an intense lust to blow up trains and bandits. There's too many good ones to pick, so just listen to all of them together below!
“Suck the tears off my d*ck, you ugly mud f*ckers!”
-- General Sarrano, Bulletstorm
I know there's somebody out there who desperately wants this profound quote inscribed on their tombstone. This character from the ridiculous Bulletstorm is a foul-mouthed drill sergeant that would put R. Lee Ermey to shame, and this is actually one of his less offensive quotes. He always knows exactly what to say to let people really know how he's feeling.
“You have died of dysentery”
-- The Oregon Trail
It doesn't get much more succinct that than, does it? What kid who grew up in the late '80s or early '90s didn't get a screen like this a couple of dozen times in computer lab?
“Please note that we have added a consequence for failure. Any contact with the chamber floor will result in an 'unsatisfactory' mark on your official testing record, followed by death. Good luck!”
“Well done. Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I'm serious, that's what it says: 'A horrible person.' We weren't even testing for that. Don't let that horrible-person thing discourage you. It's just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother's decision to abandon you on a doorstep.”
-- GLaDOS, Portal and Portal 2
For being an all-seeing AI with total control over your environment, GLaDOS sure is passive aggressive.
“You'd find that lady luck was actually a hooker, and you were fresh out of cash.”
-- Max Payne
Before wowing us with his quote about needing passion for life to be worth living, our tortured detective was also spinning some low grade noir analogies.
“The last time a big naked dude said he could help me, it did not end well.”
-- Pierce Washington, upon meeting naked Oleg, Saints Row The Third
Pierce is a continuing source of comic relief in the series, but there's a darkness to his need to be funny. Pierce has SEEN THINGS.
“Hey Kinzie, you wanna f*ck?”
-- The Boss, Saints Row 4
Geeze, Boss, buy a girl a drink first? The Boss doesn't waste any time on romance in this iteration of the series. Guess that's what happens when the earth has been destroyed and you're becoming the new Neo messiah in the Matrix. In Boss's defense though, the line totally works, although Kinzie does punch him first.
“Sh*t, the hell you so calm about? You bustin' up my rhythm."
-- Barret Wallace, Final Fantasy VII
You always had a way with words Barret, and you have the honor of being the very first video game character I ever saw use a curse word on my television screen. Congratulations!
“I'm afraid that if you were to remove that... I would be naked.”
-- Fall From Grace, Planescape: Torment
When's the last time a succubus gave you a gentle reminder about how clothes work? I'm sure you all heard this little voice acted gem in a totally innocent way when you were trying to give Grace's bodice to another character in need of some armor, right?
Nobody's d*ck's that long. Not even Long Dick Johnson, and he had a f*cking long d*ck. Thus, the name."
-- Cass, Fallout: New Vegas
Even surprassing "your face looks like my butt," there is some truly bizarre dialog in the Fallout series when characters try to explain concepts in ways the Courier or Vault Dweller can understand.
“How low can you get? I love it! All right, I'll help you. Nothing to lose but my life.”
-- Setzer, Final Fantasy VI
Way to put it all in perspective Setzer. His philosophy here after being swindled and convinced to fight a world spanning empire is what I like to call "optimistic nihilism."
“We broke it. Yes, we were naughty. Completely naughty. So, so very sorry. But just between you and us, it felt quite good.”
“We get it, its a slacker thing. What next? Video store clerk? Screenwriter? Whatever it is, we are so not paying for it. Poor, poor, Us, stuck with a L-O-S-E-R like you!”
-- King Of All Cosmos, Katamari Damacy
The King Of All Cosmos destroys the whole universe and nobody says anything, but if The Prince makes one little mistake the string of berating comments arrives. He's really not a very good dad.
“Soon, pitiful worms! Soon I will rule, and your lives will have their doneness setting turned to... darkest!”
“Have you ever tried to indulge an all-consuming urge to kill when you don't have opposable thumbs? Or hands? Or anything other than a bread slot? You'd have a lot of pent-up anger too!
-- The Toaster from Fallout: New Vegas expansion Old World Blues
This may be the one and only game featuring a genocidal toaster who is genuinely unhappy to learn the world was already destroyed in a nuclear Armageddon before he could get around to annihilating all life.
That wraps up our analysis of the least inspiring quotes that video games have to offer. Let us know which one you thought was the best and which ones we missed that should have been included! For a look at the opposite side of the coin, don't forget to take a gander at our roundup of the most inspiring quotes in all of gaming.
Published: Mar 9, 2016 04:11 pm