Call of Duty DLC to Feature Snoop Dogg Voiceovers

No, no really I didn’t just make this up. For two dollars and ninety nine cents, you — yes lucky lucky you — can have Snoop Dogg narrate all the multiplayer voice prompts in-game for Call of Duty: Ghosts. It is just one segment of a series of “customization items” that will be on offer to purchase on the 22nd of April.

To many it sounds like a caricature of a caricature of Snoop Dogg “rackin’ points with his homies in the joint with a brother from another mother” (yeah, he says all those things..yeah, I put them all together for comic effect). 

To me, it sounds like a death wail for the once mighty– nay– gargantuan monster, that was the Call of Duty giant. The pinnacle in monopolised “laissez-faire” gaming entertainment.

Keepin’ it real

I hear the tearing sound of flesh and sinew, as the wooden stake is driven through Activision’s soulless heart. For years it has bled dry innocent civilians; its insatiable thirst for profit margins ever-increasing. Those who have been stricken by its curse have in turn been left with their own insatiable and inexplicable desire to keep paying more money to play the same game. For all of eternity.

And now, this weird, overgrown, fictitious and absurd amalgamation of a Vampire Man-Dragon metaphor– so tortuously concocted inside my imagination — now keels over. And it begs of its own believers to just worship him this one last time. I was there first hand for the allegorical press release. In my head.

“My worshippers! If you will just spare me a moments decency, for I have one last thing to share with you! Before you permanently decide to leave for the Titan Brotherhood- I have some sound bytes recorded of Snoop Dogg saying stuff in a cool way..NO HANS, NOT LIKE ICE CUBE, IT’S FAR MORE STEREOTYPI- *ahem* , err..Hip.  

My fellow worshippers, before you go forever – please spare me the remaining nickels and lint in your pockets.”

And the followers, how they did flock to pay tribute to its fallen leader. They threw various pennies and notes at the bloated monster, which in return gave them things they already had, but didn’t realise they possessed. Not in a spiritual sense, but in a very literal con artist sort of way (see the $3.99 Soap Mac Tavish multiplayer skin).

And the beast laid, belly up, staring toward the stars. For what had seemed an eternity, was in fact less than a decade. The end was not now, but it would be soon enough.