Why is there no Neko Atsume porn yet? Oh, nevermind…

NSFW warning: Should you really be viewing an article with a title like this one at work or school? I mean, if you think that’s appropriate reading at your desk then nothing written here is going to dissuade you, is it? You do you. Maybe you’ve got a really cool boss.

Neko Atsume isn’t a game, at first glance. It’s those pictures you keep seeing on Facebook, posted by your excited friends. I thought it was some form of Bitstrips-style fad — but no, it’s definitely a game. A wholesome, relaxing, adorable game about putting out toys and food for kittens and photographing their innocent, childish joy.

So where’s the porn of it?

Almost everyone reading this will be familiar with Rule 34: that there’s porn of it, no matter what you’re talking about. Rule 35 follows that should this not be the case, the porn will more or less be spontaneously created. There’s even Minecraft porn and rumors of LEGO porn.

There’s also Rule 43: the more pure and beautiful something is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it.

And still, nothing. I’ll tell you what I found while searching for Neko Atsume porn:

• The dawning realisation that I’ll be heading to a high school reunion next year and the lack of pornography of a smartphone game about cats is probably still the only thing I’m going to be thinking about
• A Human Centipede parody (which yes, here you are)
• An anime character who may or may not be called Osomatsu-san performing a lewd act while surrounded by Neko Atsume plushies (which no, doesn’t count)
• A very tall drink and then another

But Neko Atsume porn, guys. It just doesn’t seem to be out there.

Why is that?

4chan doesn’t agree on much, but there are two topics on which there is something approaching a consensus:

1. Never say anything positive about A1 steak sauce on /ck/.
2. Pornography depicting Yotsuba will absolutely not be tolerated.

Yotsuba is the mascot of 4chan, more or less. This is due in part to her thematically-related name and distinctive hairstyle. Artwork of her is present around the site in its newsfeed and 404 messages. The manga she is from, Yotsuba&!, is a slice-of-life series about the adventures of the titular character, a five-year-old child. There’s an endearing simplicity to the manga that, when combined with her mascot status, puts the character largely out-of-touch of off-color depictions.

Perhaps, and just perhaps… the wider internet has decided something similar about Neko Atsume. It’s a cute, undemanding, genuinely free-to-play game about leaving out treats for nice little cats. And that seems like enough.

Could it be that the internet has found something so beautiful and so pure that there’s so little drive to corrupt it? For now it seems as though the answer is… oh.

Oh, oh my god. Why.

“Just check one last search term,” I muttered to myself. “Just one more, to be sure.”

That’s when I found this. NSFW, obviously.

I’m not sure anybody reading this can appreciate fully the mix of dread and admiration that stole over me. Except, perhaps, the creator of this magnum opus, a user going by dragonwingedkitten. Dragonwingedkitten runs an art blog that posts NSFW furry art trades and commissions. One commission was, by the user’s admission, made in exchange for a copy of HuniePop, because the internet is a rich and rewarding tapestry of delights.

The motivation behind the above piece is as simple and about as pure as it gets:

I haven’t seen Neko Atsume porn yet and I want to corrupt it for all of you.

Thanks.