Aliens: Colonial Marines

When I heard about this game and saw the trailer on Steam, I was excited. I loved the movies, even Alien vs. Predator and have played a few of the various games that have come out over the years.

But this… uhhhh.

How do we even start? If you’ve ever seen the Alien franchise, you know what these xenos are like. They’re quick, they’re mean and they will give you a very hard time. Especially if you make out with their little face-hugging minions.

So why can this critic get through an entire level without ever actually firing his weapon? The xenos don’t chase, they’re are slow as I am with my bum leg, they jump around like puppies and seem to be irritatingly tame. What happened, Gearbox? What the hell happened?

“hay.”

The campaign itself can be completed in one six-hour sit down, if you’ve got the guts to sit through that much crap. This game is great fun for those who want to dick around, but for those who were serious about a new Aliens game, this one falls incredibly short. Aside from the obvious Spaceballs and penis references for the chest bursters, this game was a complete disappointment, and the developers know it; which is why they’re now working on a hefty patch and DLC pack to try and make amends.

I don’t know, Gearbox. I just don’t know.